Notes on Authenticity From the Edge of Giving Up

Well, as promised these blog posts are very sporadic. Looks like it’s been (checks watch) nearly six months since you last heard from me in this format.

All that talk about ‘musts’ and shit from one of the last blog post didn’t quite fully seep into my bones and become a habit I guess.

But like any artist worth their salt, I have an excuse to hide behind. This one is the tried and true “I’ve been busy” doctor’s note. One used by artists and people who don’t respond to texts alike. I literally just forgot about this little blog project for awhile. To tell you the truth, I was busy, too.

Anyway...

I've been thinking about how trying to be authentic through text and the images I’ve made feels crazy sometimes. I wonder if the only true place for authenticity to occur is in the flesh, face to face. But I’ll let you all in on a little secret, either way.

I took three Ls (failures) in a row over the (very busy) summer culminating in the cancellation of my solo show that I soft announced in July. This was due to Purple Haze Gallery closing their doors. Even though it was out of my control it felt like it was my fault some how. 

This is the first time I’m addressing it and to be honest, it effected the people working there and the artists whose shows were right around the corner far more but…

Since then, I’ve been questioning my purpose and my work and all the suffering in the world and any responsibility to  alleviate it that comes with ‘being an artist’. I was not drawing any positive conclusions. The headspace was getting pretty dark. 

I’d been wondering if it’s worth it. Been thinking of how to make it sustainable and make more financial sense. I was having sincere conversations in my head about being able to provide and add value to the world. I seriously considered that being an artist might just be a self-congratulatory, fake rebellious act that doesn’t actually have any positive impact on the world. 

Hey… Maybe I should be a therapist, I do have a bachelor’s in psychology. Or a plumber- they make good money I’ve heard. Or just walk off into the woods only to be spotted randomly every 2.3 years, while gathering fire wood, dressed in nothing but animal hide. So you can see why I didn't really want to share a lot.

But there's this very deep human need to be seen and see other people.

Seeing and being seen might be the greatest feeling. To see another fully and have them see and understand you in the same way is something so rare and special. Maybe that's why I feel the need to make art in the first place. Certainly why I'm writing so candidly in this post.

Regardless of the historical period, there are societal pressures and conformities that restrict us from experiencing the seeing. This era's mechanism of action is social media with it's demands to only post the wins, good vibes, showcase your highlight reel, and cultivate your public persona. When everyone is their own curated brand, no one can interact on that level of human understanding. It was enough to push me to the edge of quitting art. 

Eventually, I forced myself off the phone and out of the house and live painted at a show with some friends. Started from scratch and the art flowed easily. I shared my work again and was able to see that this is what it’s all for- the connection with people, face to face via the work I’ve so carefully cultivated over the last fifteen years. 

So, thank you. And I wish we could be in the same space together so you’d know I’m for real.  I was spiraling and adrift and in my head thinking pretty depressing thoughts in a loop-but having real interactions with real people and sharing my gift and knowing that people are reading this is enough to clear my head and open my heart. 

I don’t know if making art is helping the world or not- I don’t even know if help or service can be quantified- but it’s what I’m here to do. While I have no idea how to solve the world’s problems, I know how to be a better person to myself and those around me and that is through making art.  ( and constant observation and tending to my thoughts, emotions and actions, of course. ) For me, art isn't just about making cool images, it's about taking risks, getting better, staying relaxed and is a space for me to organize my psychic energy. 

I’m learning how to internalize my motivation and be more driven by my own being, rather than looking forward to an event or gig or deadline to get me moving. I'm starting to believe again after being hijacked by some other guy. A guy who was incredibly negative and also pretty convincing. But I wrassled that motherfucker off the wheel and took control of this aircraft.

This is your captain speaking...

So even though I don't have a solo show to look forward to, I'm going to make all the paintings for one anyway. This creative drought is over and I'm happy to be picking up the brush on a regular basis again. 

Thank you for being here, thank you for your attention and support and your interest. It means so much more than you could imagine.